I Took The One Less Travelled By
The following is taken from my journal, after a particular trying and hurtful conversation with my oldest I wrote down my thoughts, feelings and journey. It is essentially word for word, although I have taken the liberty of editing my words and adding a few more.
Hmmmm. I don’t know what to write. Right now I’m feeling rather ‘non’, ‘flat’, on the verge of being depressed - the pendulum is swinging, you know the big grandfather clock with it’s big and ponderous pendulum swinging back and forth, tic, toc. Where will it stop? Nobody knows.
Actually, I do.
If I keep going, if I choose to walk this road, I will be depressed. The rest of my day will be horrid. I will wish I was back in bed. I’ll entertain depressing, self-deprecating thoughts. I’ll be angry with B for ages (coz of course it’s all his fault that I am so angry - NOT!) Everything will be wrong and keep going wrong. I’ll get more and more frsutrated with everything and thoroughly pissed off, losing my temper with everything and everyone. Life will be unpleasant for the whole family, not just me.
And then later, later when I’ve calmed down once more and the ‘foulness’ no longer controls me, I’ll despise myself. I’ll hate my lack of control, my anger, my resentfulness, my weakness and my selfishness. And then I will cry, I’ll cry for ages. I’ll be a sobbing mess curled up on my bed, saying that ‘I’m a failure, that I can’t do it, I should try harder, why do I bother?…’ And then I will just be miserable, lethargic and depressed, sure that I am a terrible mum. And so it goes on and on and on and on if I choose to walk this road.
But, there are two roads in front of me. The first one, that rage/depression road is wide and well-trodden; appleaing because it’s easy, familiar. And it’s a trap! I’ve been there plenty of times, pleanty of times, many more times than I would care to admit or remember. The other road is more like a narrow track; more difficult to traverse and one I haven’t been down too often, less often than I would like.
This is the more interesting road, it has more twists and turns, steep hills and low valleys and I don’t walk it alone. It is not easy, nor is it familiar, but this road, leads to abundant life, life in the full, to Jesus, to God, to freedom. And although at times this road is awfully hard, I’m not walking it alone, my Saviour, my Redeemer, my Rock and my Fortress is walking with me, holding my hand, guiding me, helping me. When I walk this road in the company of my Jesus, my friend, my God and my Father, this is where I let go of all that horrid, foul stuff, and give it over to Jesus. When I do this, when I take the time and make the effort I feel release, I feel free. And I wonder why I don’t do it as often as I need to.
As I walk this road I remember God’s promises and remind myself of who I am, who I am in Christ - a new creation, loved, accepted, secure, significant. And I remind myself that my self-worth, my value, doesn’t come from how good a mum my kids think I am. It comes from who I am in Christ. I am God’s child. I am Jesus’ friend. I am a saint…And I am free because the blood Jesus shed on the cross, the life he gave up, were for me to live truly free. Thank you Jesus for not just dying for me and taking away my sin, but for rising to life once more and being with me every day. Thank you Jesus that I am greatly loved, redeemed, restored and free!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
from Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken’ 1920
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